In an unprecedented move, the federal government has stepped in to bailout Anvil Media, Inc.
President Obama, citing fears of growing public discension in the government investing in failing companies, decided to invest public money in a company that has proven strong in the recession. “GM will be bankrupt by June and AIG is losing billions of dollars each month” stated Lawrence Sumners, Director of the National Economic Council, “We are simply tired of backing losers. It is time to back a winner.”
Despite the “winner” label the White House has given Anvil, the Administration decided to remove Anvil’s President Kent Lewis, stating in an official press release, “The public wants change at the top. We saw a spike in the polls after asking GM’s CEO to step down. We felt we should continue that policy with Anvil.”
Newly ousted President Kent Lewis summarized his concerns via Twitter tweeting, “The d-bags at the White House have no clue.”
Hallie Janssen will take control as acting President. Hallie was unavailable for comment although the Associated Press determined Hallie had contracted a local demolition company to remove the wall between her office and that of her former boss.
In keeping with public opinion, the Administration also froze all bonuses for Anvil employees – bypassing a working bill in Congress to tax Anvil bonuses at 90%. Commented Kim Toomey, an Anvil employee affected by the bonus freeze, “How am I going to pay for my Yacht or Tuscany villa? Let alone my plans to sail to Italy? This is absolutely ridiculous. Here at Anvil, we implemented the Bet on Black Method, and we won. Why punish us?”
In total, Anvil received a whopping $35 billion in bailout funds. Asked what the company planned on doing with the influx in cash, Anvil released a statement indicating “an increase in F@4 funds”, “large investements in the emerging home brewing sector”, and “geeking out to the nth degree.” Asked to clarify Anvil’s response, John Robbins stated that “Anvil is serious about success and success requires motivation and motivation requires beer.”
For further information about the bailout, please follow Anvil on Twitter.
